meowwwwwwww

Hey hoh famiree.

Before I forget I have to tell what happened yesterday. It was a less productive day than normal but had been an incredible week so it was all good even though no one was home and it was raining really hard and no one wanted to listen to us and I was soaked. I seriously was still feeling happy. BUT this crazy white dude with a japanese accent appeared EVERYWHERE all freaking day. And what is funny about this is he knows how to speak english and has this crazy accent in english and every time he appeared he was like "oohhh are you guys having fun? walking all the time?" or "Heyyy are you guys having fun? Being wet in the rain?" or "Ohhhh are you guys having fun? no one is being home?" Literally everytime something bad happened he appeared and asked that same question. It made my day so much better. I don't know if it was his accent or his timing that was funnier, but I felt way happier. Also I am suspicious that someone is filming me because it was abnormally hilarious. And just when we were going home, we just got rejected by this dude in the street, a car driving by stopped and the window rolled down and instantly he appeared and was like "ohhh are you guys having fun? No one is talking with you? walking all the times?" One of the funnier things that has happened here. Super random and way funnier than fiction.

and woo, soren is borneded. That is a good time I imagine. I am going to come home and teach him all the things that little kids in our family should know. How to fart arms, how to burp on command, how to be a momma's boy, how to take naps, etc. etc. Thankfully we have me in the family, because I have been diligent enough to master all of these traits in the last 20 years. I am trying to practice them as much as time permits here on the mission, so don't worry, I'm still the master. He looks like he will fit in well in the Christensen Clan in the pictures. Especially with the help of Uncle Scott. Man... to be a perfect uncle scott in need to get fatter and and grow a handlebar mustache and a mullet when I get home. I've got a lot to do.

But hey, it is good and all to get pictures of Soren, but what would be even cooler would be if I got pictures of me. I am not kidding at all. haha. But seriously no one is capable of imagining me with a mohawk or the fact that my face is painted all over my car. If I am not mistaken the last yearbook I got from school has a picture of one of my mohawks if you can't find another one, and the car is still existant more or less so if you can't find an original picture of the artwork just take a new one. So yeah, send those if you can.

And besides that.... that is it. I think I will be transfered this time around based on my intel from the mission office. Being that I am pretty close to the office, I got to be pretty chummy with the secretaries which is a HUGE advantage in never being low on supplies or funny stories from the mission. They know everything. So yeah, one more week here. not that much time in the end and I will be in my 3rd area before hitting the year mark.

and that is the other thing that is sneaking up on me. meh. Time goes by fast and it seems to just accelerate. That sucks. But at least I still have a ton of time left. One of the friends I made here is going home next week. sad bears. And no new americans are arriving. Double sad bears.

Oh but hey, I was at lunch the other day from someone from the east side of são paulo and he knows elder quigley from our ward so that was weird. He is from the area where he got trained/transfered in 4 weeks so he doesn´t know him THAT well. But it still just shows that we live in a small world. EVERYONE KNOWS EVERYONE. INCLUDING CRAZY "OHHH ARE YOU HAVING FUN" GUY.

and also poop. My companion is sure that mom is my older sister from the pics, so congrats to mom. Other than that I love you all and have a good week. Not much happened this week so sorries. latersssssss

hey famialree‏

So this week was unusual for a whole bunch of reasons and hilarious for the same reasons. A whole bunch of things that don't happen to a normal person in their entire life happened and all were really funny to me.

But to start I will comment on the emails I recieved this week. In general I think I can respond in three short phrases.

1) yay for the baby soren
2) sounds like no one and nothing has changed that much (i.e. spider madness)
3) Brasil is freaking nuts, but at least there are tons of missionaries here

yep, that about sums is up. I sincerely thank the fam for not having forgotten me yet. Woo for dedication. 14 months to go.

So moving on to the crazy stuff I will start by talking about a scientific experiment I did. By scientific experiment, I mean I wrote down the names that make no sense to me that I heard. Names of real people. It blows my mind to hear sometimes what people will name their children. The top 5 winners on the crazy name list after 1 week were:

1) "Old (man)". Seriously that was his given name. Velho. It means old but sometimes it can mean old man and is generally derrogative in that sense.
2) "Lonely". I don't even know how to explain that one. a real given name of a single mom we found. Ironic? No. Her mother doomed her.
3) "Teburculosis". I don't really remember how to spell that, but it is supposed the sickness. Her mom thought it was a pretty word...?
4) "Welcome". That situation was a little weird. I got there and was like, "hey brotha, what is your name?" and he was like "welcome." Being that some people don't understand me that well I thought he misunderstood, but upon further investigation we figured out it is actually his name. Awkward...
5) "Doo Doo". I just thought that one was funny. There is not a translation, but his name is doo doo. I just loving calling him doo doo.

So yeah, after a lengthy double blind clinical trial, the results of the experiment showed that some people are crazy. I don't know if they purposefully gave horrible names to their kids or what, further investigation is needed. It is also of interest to note that 99% of the population are named mary, john, or joseph. meh.

In other news, I think I may have gained super powers. A lonnnnnnnnng time ago I watched this movie where this guy got the electric chair but ended up becoming a super villan with power over electricity. Well, the same thing happened to me. I was in this scungy alley way like always and, being that I am incredibly lazy, reached up to grab a clothesline so I could hang on it and get right in between sleep and conciousness. But upon grabbing the line I realized it was actually a small home built power line going to a house that was mostly exposed metal. So that woke me up pretty good, and we went on to teach a lesson in another house. A bit later when we were leaving the lesson I felt this pinch on my ear and totally lost my vision. White white white. all I was seeing was white, and my ear was getting pinched really hard by something. Really annoying to say the least. Luckily in the same instant something made me double over and everything went back to normal, and I looked up to see what the heck happened and it was the same stupid line. My brain has officially been electricuted. Needless to say, I am 10 times smarter and I now have abilities similar to that old guy from star wars. If I point all my fingers at someone and hiss really loud, my eyes turn red and lightning shoots out of my hands. Cool, I know. I'll have to show you guys sometime.

really that was it. "TONS OF CRAZY EXPERIENCES" didn't happen like I had said earlier, but I did get electricuted a couple times and now I am the infamous "penguin of lightning".

But given that I have already made 2 lists, lets make another one of other random things. Here goes:

1) Daylight savings saving happened on saturday and I got 1 more hour of sleep (YAH!)
2) My watch is held to my arm with duct tape (DOUBLE YAH!)
3) I found out that that part in the spongebob movie where he yells something random about that stupid peanut right before he plays the guitar and patrick shows up with woman legs is hilarious in portuguese and I yell it randomly throughout the day. My companion randomly yelled it once and I stole it from him. "Bobo Bobo Amendo-bobo YEAH!"

And that is about it. I love y'alls and I hope you all have a good week. Tell the guys in our ward that don't want to serve missions that they are missing out, and that no matter where they serve their life will be infinitely more meaningful than it is now while they are playing video games and being selfish. The mission is the easiet place to know that 100% of what you do is what you are supposed to be doing, which is honestly what the scriptures / human heart calls true happiness. Other than that, always remember to keep it classy.

Babe, no babe, baaaaabe, no, babe.

babe.

no.

baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabe.

herroo‏

Herro famiree. Today is monday, and yet another week goes by. This week was pretty cool I guess. We got to do some construction (in proselyting clothes) and that was hilarious. My companion is a hard worker and stuff but he loves to make people think that he is working wayyyy harder than he is. So even though I was physically doing a lot more than him, he was ``working harder´´ and everyone knew it because he made a ton of noise and whined a lot. But not like a whine that means he doesn´t like the work, more like a ``look at me´´ whine to get people to see how manly he is.
we were putting these 25 foot long bars of concrete and rebar on top of a house to put a roof on it, and all he had to do was carry one bar over to the house and prop it up against the wall, and he was working with help, so he just had one end of the bars. Meanwhile, I was up on a 3rd story balcony with a high priest pulling the bars up one by one and passing them through a window and blah blah blah. Not that it was that bad or anything, but what I was doing was definately a lot more than my companion, and somehow he still managed to get super dirty, rip his shirt, hurt himself, and then complain a lot. So as a joke I was like, ``oh man, we weren´t even working up on the balcony. there were 3 more people up there that you didn´t see and we just sat around doing nothing´´ and the old dude that was with me is super sarcastic and hilarious (the reason he was with me) and he was like, "yeah, we just made some juice and played card games while you worked" and my companion didn´t get that we were joking. He got pissed. "I WORKED, SO HARD, AND YOU GUYS DID NOTHING?!" and we just messed with him for a while and he still thinks that mysterious beings showed up and did all of our work while we sat around. So that had some mild comedic value.
What else... Oh. The other day I was walking around and a cop car full of machine guns went by nice and lazy, which is normal but funny to me, and so I started laughing. Then another cop car full of machine guns went by, and another, and another, and another, and so on. But still not too out of the norm, so we went into an alley way to talk to someone, but they werent home, and when we came out all the kids were in the alley yelling, "my dad isn´t home!" and "my brother already went away with you guys!" and laughing, and I look up and see a police helicopter with a sniper in the door like 20 feet away from us buzzing the houses. And at that point I was laughing pretty hard because this place is rediculous, and so went the entire day. Police angry everywhere. But I found out later that there is a store here kind of like a cheap best buy were they have tons of electronics and stuff and it is right on the edge of the favela. So apparently it got robbed, and the police were sure it was someone who lives here and they were looking for him. Funny stuff.
Besides that it was a normal week. We had a baptism and that was cool. Our ward here is super good. Really helpful and missionary oriented. But yeah, that is it I think...
Oh I will tell a funny story about a lesson. We are teaching this dude and his family who are incredible. Super spiritual, legally married, everything. Plus he is enormous. So rediculously muscular even though he just sits around. Just imagine random huge black dude. So we were teaching him and he was listening and out of no where, without looking, he grabbed a fly out of the air. And then he just said, "got it." and slowly stood up and started walking over to the door. At this point I was already laughing a little from disbelief, but when he got to the door instead of opening the door, he just chucked the fly on the ground as hard as he could. IT EXPLODED. Like what the heck? That was one of the greatest moments in history I think. At least in my life. I just told him "Nilton, seriously, you are the coolest person I have ever heard of." and he gave me a "whatchutalkin'aboutwillis?!" Mr. T stare. He's great. He even lets me call him negão as a nickname, which is like "black dudes and friends only" word. So I am basically in with the gangster crew.
The end. I love you guys. Didn't even know it was valentines day... mom can be my valentine since molly is gone. k bye. stay classy.

I thought my time was up so I freaked out and sent my message but I still have some time. I love you all and I think it is crazy that I´ve already been out for 9 months. this letter has just been a bunch of random thoughts and doesn´t make much sense, but yeah, thanks for everything and don´t send more gold bond. I got the xmas package and it was super good. Grandma sent one too that was off the hook because it had fruit pectin and Ima make me a jelly o sumfin. but mehr. the mac and cheese was an awesome choice too, and I love you, and bye.

So given that my ``going to the doctor´´ cat is out of the bag, I´ll tell you the real story because it was freaking crazy. So, due to a cyst, I had to go to the doctor, because it was repeatedly getting infected and making it tough to walk. So cool, whatever.

First of all the doctor´s office was the crazy ritzy dermotologist´s office (I don´t know how to spell that) on Paulista avenue. So we go down there (think that super famous street in new york city with tons of lights and junk) and I felt super uncomfortable about the crazy wealth I was seeing because my area is so different and I thought we´d get robbed. But we didn´t get robbed and we went to the doctor´s office, and due to the location they have strict security. You can only go in if you get cleared at the gate, and they have to have the equivilant of your driver´s liscence number on record. Welllp, my companion lost all of his documents and we didn´t get cleared by security. I did, but I can´t just leave my companion, so we had to go home.

The second time I went there on a division with someone who has documents and we went in and the doctor was this crazy nice japanese lady who is a member of the church. Not only is she a member, but I actually had already unknowingly talked with her about an investigator we have who works in her house as a maid. So we chatted about the investigator and stuff and then she casually told me to ``just cut the cyst off.´´ I asked if she meant like in our house, and she said no, so we scheduled an appoitment at a plastic surgeon on the same street.

SOoooo I went the really early in the morning one morning on another division and the thing took like 20 minutes and wasn´t that bad, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I SAW IT ALL. He just gave me a local anesthetic and started hacking away and I was entranced by it all. So i was just watching him cut me up with the little knife thing and scissors and had this huge urge to smack him to get him to stop, but resisted, and in the end it was done and I was joking with him about how I am traumatized for life and how I look prettier because I had plastic surgery. He didn´t get it, and so I left and just took a bus to the mission office to pick up my companion and go home.

By the time I got home there was SO MUCH BLOOD EVERYWHERE. I honestly thought I was dying, but it was no big deal. I chased my companion around yelling I was a zombie and he freaked out and told me he´d kill me if I got blood on him, so I took a shower and chucked my clothes in the wash. But when I chucked my clothes in the wash, all the blood that was in my clothes leaked out and the water turned super red and was just reeking and I got some epic pictures of that.

But yeah that is about it. I don´t think Gold Bond will help mom, because the whole issue was a bacterial infection and now I have a gaping hole that would sting if Gold Bond got into it. But all in all, one more good story to tell. But I am 100% good and feel zero pain and am working normal. So yeah. And the other funny part is I did all of this saying very little to the president. He knew what I was doing more or less the whole time, but in the end his words were, ``let´s see what you´ve wrought elder christensen...´´ haha. Oh man, brasil is hilarious. They gave me a surgery and didn´t even ask me to come back in ever again to see if it is healing good or not. They were just like, ``welp, we cut a hole in you. bye.´´ and I went home on the city bus. The lack of security in this is really funny to me.

So that happened and we have a baptism this weekend. Good times. what else... I AM AN UNCLE SOON. annnnnd oh. I learned that ``your mom´´ jokes are not okay here in brasil. I don´t really get why, but it is hilarious. You can see a super ugly dude and say, ``hey, it´s your girlfriend´´ and everyone will chuckle and be happy, but if you say ``hey, it´s your mom´´ everyone wants to murder you. so I have been joking around with that from time to time when the time is passing slow. I want to translate that show that is super lame that they had on MTV that was just a bunch of random black dudes and skinny white guys saying ``your mom´´ jokes into portuguese and put it on air here. It would be a hit.